THE MATCH



STARTING THE RELATIONSHIP

Remember, you are both likely a little nervous at this stage, so try to relax and don=t be too concerned about achieving immediate results.

Making a new friend takes time. Plan your time so that you both have a chance to talk with one another without interruptions. It=ll help you get to know each other better. You will find it helpful to keep the first meeting brief, and thus ease into the relationship gradually.

In the beginning, the Big Brother may have to take the initiative in planning outings with the Little. It may be worthwhile setting up definite dates for the first few outings. When the Little develops more confidence in the relationship, meetings will likely be arranged in a more casual manner. Suggestions for things to do should come from both parties.

Although the Big and Little have been chosen for each other, neither really knows what the other is like so the first few months of the match may be difficult. It will take time, honesty, respect, patience, and flexibility for the trust and openness of a true friendship to develop.

PARENTS ARE ENTRUSTING THEIR CHILD'S WELFARE TO THE AGENCY AND ITS VOLUNTEERS - IN RETURN THE PARENT HAS THE RIGHT TO EXPECT:


* The Big will call the child weekly to check in and make plans

* The Big will tell the parent when he plans to pick up the Little and when the
Child can be expected home

* The Big will tell the parent about the activities he will be engaging in with the Little as well as other people who might be involved

* The Big will be responsible for the child=s safety and well being when they are together

* The Big will call the parent if they are going to be late

* The Big will respect the parent=s wishes if there are activities the parent does not want her son to engage in, i.e., hunting

* The Big will recognize the full importance and responsibility of being accountable to the Agency and Caseworker for updates, meetings, counseling, etc. 

THE HONEYMOON IS OVER

After a few months in the match, the Big and Little will have gradually begun to familiarize themselves with one another. At times the Big Brother may be encouraged by something the Little has said or done. At other times, the Big may feel that continuing the match is pointless. The Big may question whether or not the child needs or even wants a Big Brother because there seem to be few, if any, signs of gratitude or enthusiasm.

If you begin to feel this way, don=t be too discouraged ... it is a stage that most Bigs experience. We know that more has been Aaccomplished@ in the match than you may realize. Look for small changes which occur over time. Often Arewards@ or feelings of appreciation from the Little are demonstrated in unique ways. It may take a few months or even years for you to see the positive results.

Many youngsters have never known this kind of relationship and don=t quite know how to handle it; others have experienced bitter disappointment that is not easily forgotten. Trusting someone can be very threatening. Perseverance usually pays off.

HELPFUL HINTS

1. Do not try to accomplish too much in the first few contacts. Merely get acquainted.

2. Let your Little Brother know that you have a sense of humor, but never make fun of him. Be careful with your comments; remember how important your interests and ideas were to you when you were that age.

3. Always assume that your Little Brother is intelligent and treat him that way. Talk with your Little whenever possible.

4. We ask you to take the initiative, particularly during the early stages of your friendship, in making appointments with the child and being consistent in meeting this commitment. One example: you may suggest that your Little contact you at a specific time; if your Little does not call, then you should follow up to make certain that the relationship doesn=t die waiting for the Little to call you. Remember, Littles are not too sure of themselves.

5. Do not be critical of the child=s friends. This will shock his sense of loyalty. However, he should be encouraged to develop worthwhile friendships.

6. Avoid discussing the child's problems with his parent when the Little is present.

7. Should a child attempt to deceive you, don't show undue concern. Try to explain calmly that the only way you can work towards a true friendship is to trust one another.

8. Be interested in your Little's school achievement, both in the classroom and in group or sport activities.

9. Always try to get results through the child=s natural and normal affection and respect for you - it is not appropriate to exploit fear or use threats, i.e., If you don=t stop this, I won't see you next week.


10. If you are going to be out of town for awhile, send your Little a letter or postcard. Getting mail is exciting for youngsters. If you make your conversation and letters interesting, your Little will develop keener interests, and often develop new ones.

11. The suggestions you make today may become the child=s own ideas tomorrow. For this reason, it is advisable to give advice sparingly and to avoid Apreaching@. Do not hesitate to contact your caseworker if you feel the situation warrants a conference on a specific problem, i.e., misbehaviour.

12. Always keep your caseworker in the picture. Remember, you work as a team.

13. Some day you may find yourself asking the question: Aam I helping this child? How can I tell when he doesn=t show it?@ Try to accept your Little Brother as he is ... not as might you wish him to be. Remember the importance of role modeling and your influence on his development.

SOLVING THE PROBLEMS

Good friendships don=t necessarily require a discussion of Aproblems@ that aren=t related to the friendship. But, if the problem is related to the friendship, it must be faced or the relationship may suffer.

Before a problem can be solved, it must be identified. Usually, the Big Brother recognizes a problem first and must find a way to initiate a discussion with the Little Brother that is positive, non-threatening and supportive.

Helping a Little to Aproblem solve@ in a constructive manner can be quite a challenge. It is particularly difficult if you are feeling let down and frustrated. Try to separate your feelings for the Little from your feelings about the problem. It is important that he learns that you do not approve of what he is doing, but you still like and approve of who he is.

To solve a problem, both partners in the friendship must admit the problem exists and talk about it openly and sensitively as possible. This is likely easier for the Big than for the Little. Once both partners decide where they stand, they can take action together to find an answer that is compatible to both.

Co-operation and communication are the keys to success. Remember to call your caseworker for any assistance or direction you may feel is required. Don=t try to solve everything yourself.

GUIDELINES AND GROUND RULES FOR BIG BROTHERS

Once you are accepted as a Big Brother volunteer, you may be assigned a Little Brother. The child will have some specific needs otherwise he would not be in the program. The agency expects that children and their parents be afforded every courtesy by the volunteers who are involved with them. We provide the following guidelines and ground rules so volunteers will know quite clearly what our expectations are.

* the Big does not become involved in the discipline of the child - that is the parent=s responsibility. The Big is a friend, not a parent.

* the parent should not deprive the child of the weekly visits with his Big Brother as a means of discipline, but if it does happen, try to support the parent with the child. Call and let the caseworker know.

* the Big does not generally spend time in the Little Brother=s home; this will reduce the chance of conflict with other family members.

* the Big is advised not to include other members of the Little=s family in activities. The match was made to meet this child=s needs, not the needs of other family members.

* the parent knows not to expect Volunteers to provide babysitting, taxi service, etc., so if you are asked you can decline politely.

* the Big has no financial responsibilities toward the child or the family, other than minor expenses incurred during outings. Depending on individual family financial situations, some outing costs may be shared.

* the parent may talk to you about problems unrelated to the boy or the match. Remind her that the caseworker is available to assist. Call the caseworker yourself to keep the agency up to date.

SAFETY ISSUES FOR BIG AND LITTLES

Big Brothers should not be used as a disciplinarian. They are not replacing a parent - they are a friend. It is wise, however, to consider in advance some possible situations and reactions to them.

1. Misbehaviour:

If a Little refuses to do what is important for his or the volunteer=s own safety, or behaves in any inappropriate way, Bigs should discuss the behaviour and their expectations. Tell the child that if he persists, he will be taken home immediately and discuss the reasons for doing so with the parent in the child's presence. Try not to end the outing on a negative note. Let your Little Brother know when to expect to either see or hear from you again.

2. Discipline:

Bigs are not to hit the child for any reason.

Most children will do a certain amount of testing to see what is appropriate or what they can get away with. Be firm, but friendly. Remember that with all children, limits and consistency of consequences must be firmly established and provided. Most testing disappears once they clearly understand the limits.

3. Driving:

Please refer to Expectations for Big Brothers and Policy: Guidelines for Driving in your information package.

4. Smoking:

If you are a smoker, we ask that you don't smoke when you are with your Little Brother. Do not allow the Little to smoke in your presence.


5. Alcohol:

Alcohol should never be used while you are with your Little Brother on an outing or in your home. Under no circumstances drive if you have consumed alcohol. Never offer alcohol to your Little Brother.

6. Any illegal activity:

Any illegal activity is prohibited. (Speeding is included in this category as well as drinking and driving.)

7. Firearms:

Firearms should be properly stored, i.e., locked, ammunition in a separate location.

8. Water Safety:

Check out the child=s swimming ability with his parent and supervise him closely yourself at all times around water.

9. First Aid:

Accidents do happen. Remember to try to stay calm and use your basic common sense. If serious injury occurs, transport the child to the nearest hospital as soon as possible.

Please refer to APolicy: Infectious Material@ in your information package for further guidelines and procedures for handling potentially infectious material.

Gimme .. Gimme .. The Money Issue

Bigs may feel tempted to spend money when they are out with their Littles, especially during the early stages of the match. Small gifts or snacks when you are out seem to be the easiest way to get a response from a child. Doing this almost guarantees a really bad case of the AGimmes@! It is crucial that Bigs refrain from dipping into their wallets - spending money can only lead to false affection and unrealistic expectations of the relationship on the part of the Little Brother.

The quality of friendship is such that it cannot be bought; it is the time and dedication of Bigs that is special - not the ice-cream bars, expensive outings, clothing or toys that are easily discarded or forgotten. Few children have any real idea of the value of money or that you must work to get it. If they don't have much materially, they will likely believe the commercial messages that hold out happiness and success to those who buy things. Occasionally, gifts and special outings are appropriate - special outings might include a birthday or the anniversary of your match. Special does not have to be expensive! Your relationship should not be a financial burden, nor should it be a threat to the child=s parent.

It is best to involve your Little Brother in activities that can be enjoyed together and that the Little may continue to enjoy. If a Little comes from a low income family, he may not be able to afford to return gifts with store-bought items. While most Big Brothers give gifts because they want the child to be pleased and they don=t expect a gift in return, their generosity can create discomfort on the part of the Little Brother and his mother.

Time, not money, is the most important aspect of the Big/Little relationship.

Littles at School
How the Big Brother can help

During his school years, a Little will often need support to deal with the pressures of school such as studying, reading, and homework.

This material is designed to help those Bigs who, with the caseworker=s knowledge, parent=s approval and the child=s interest, would like to support and help their Little with their schooling. Be sensitive, a child is often embarrassed about not understanding school work. Do not add to a Little Brother's pressure by expecting too much.

Studying:

1. Encourage good habits, such as: no distraction (radio, TV, telephone), a break after 30 to 60 minutes, good light, and no cramming.

2. Know what to study: get your Little to ask the teacher what is important and how to prepare.

3. Help set up a study routine by getting your Little to summarize all materials by topic/category, in writing, by using diagrams or tables.

Reading:

1. Ask your Little Brother to read out loud to you - it doesn=t have to be homework - it can be anything.

2. Have him summarize what=s just been read - verbally and/or in writing.

3. Help him develop Amental pictures@ of what he read and relate it to his own experience.

Homework:

1. Encourage your Little Brother to organize his time so he can study each day.

2. Let your Little Brother know that if he gets behind, he can ask for extra help after school. This may require extra encouragement. Often, kids don=t like to ask for help because they think it makes them appear dumb.

MEMOS FROM YOUR LITTLE BROTHER

1. Don't spoil me. I know quite well I shouldn=t have everything I ask for. I=m only testing you.

2. Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel more secure.

3. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in their early stages.

4. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly.

5. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

6. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. I=ll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

7. Don't be too upset if I say AI hate you@. It isn=t you that I hate, but your power to stop me from doing what I want to do.

8. Don't nag. If you do, I will begin feeling uncomfortable in your presence.

9. Don't forget that I can not explain myself as well as I=d like. This is why I=m not always very accurate.

10. Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken.

11. Don't rely on my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling lies.

12. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me loose faith in you.

13. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.

14. Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

15. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great of a shock when I discover that you are neither.

16. Don't ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.

17. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult to keep pace with me, but please try.

18. Don't forget that I can not thrive without lots of understanding and caring, but I don=t need to tell you, do I?

19. And finally, please realize that whatever I may say, or however I may act, once you are my friend, you are terribly important and necessary to me, because you are my friend and I am learning to trust people again.

WHEN YOU SAY GOODBYE

Whether we want to think about it or not, all matches eventually must end - some after many years, some unexpectedly. Difficulties can arise for the Little when the match must end - especially if it ends unexpectedly. It is your responsibility to notify your caseworker immediately to discuss the approach to take in ending the match appropriately - this can=t be over-emphasized.

In addition, we ask Bigs to plan to end the match by talking about it directly with the Little Brother. Taking the time to talk openly and honestly about the need to end the relationship will help the child deal with the reality in a positive way and lessen the chance that he will feel guilty or rejected.

We have found that ending a match - or saying goodbye - can be a constructive and positive experience if it is handled properly. We believe that the feelings which surround the termination must be resolved so there will be a greater chance of establishing trusting relationships in the future. Match terminations are often an ideal time to reflect on the good times shared and the growth experienced by both Big and Little.

Your Little Brother may need to be rematched with another Big Brother, and the information you can provide will be helpful. However, the caseworker=s primary concern is to help the Little deal with the termination and to be a support system to all who are involved (including the volunteer). Volunteers who may be feeling badly, guilty, etc. themselves about a match termination should not hesitate to discuss these feelings with the caseworker. Again, work with the Agency during this difficult time.